Thursday, September 17, 2009

With Apologies to Laura Numeroff

I'm living one of those "If You Give a Mouse A Cookie" stories.

We have thermal drapes in the family room, hanging on the dreaded Tranverse Rods--the kind of curtain rods that have this little rope pull, and if you yank the rope in the right direction, the curtains open (or close.)

If you yank the rope too hard, the little plastic thingies that attach to the back of the curtain rod break off and fly across the room. Pretty soon your drapes aren't hanging on by much.

So I went to the store to get replacement plastic thingies. I admit that I was hoping that I couldn't find them. This way I could justify spending my whole freelance-writing paycheck on a new curtain rod and ring clips for my drapes. Unfortunately, I found the plastic thingies. I bought 3 dozen (this window is about 12 feet across, so there are a lot of hooks for the drapes.)

So, with my apologies to Laura Numeroff, here is my story.

If you buy replacement plastic thingies for your curtain rod, you'll have to take the curtain rod off the brackets to install them.

As you take the curtain rod down from the brackets, you will drop a screw. It will fall behind the couch.

After you move the couch to retrieve the dropped hardware, you will notice that the sheer curtains between the drapes and the windows are awfully dusty. You will decide that as long as you've got the drapes down anyway, you might as well wash the sheers.

When you put the curtains in the washing machine, it's not a full load. So you will go back upstairs and take down the living-room sheers as well, and put them in the washing machine.

Heading back to the drapes, you will decide that you can't hang dusty drapes over clean sheers. You will remove all the pointy metal hooks so you can wash the drapes next.

As you remove the pointy metal hooks, you will poke your finger. You will need a Band-Aid. Then you will notice that some of the pointy metal hooks are missing. You will remember that you had spare hooks from the last time you took down the drapes.

(You will try not to think about how long it has been since you took down the drapes.)

You will rummage around in your "spare parts" stashes in the basement. You will knock a package of light bulbs behind the water heater. You will remember that you have more light bulbs that you just got at Shop Rite and need to put away.

After you find the bag of spare pointy metal hooks, you will put all the other pointy metal hooks in the same bag. You will gather up all the drapes, which no longer have pointy metal hooks stuck to them, and put them next to the washing machine.

Then you will sit down to install the new replacement plastic thingies. You will find that they slide in easily from the end of the drapery rod. You will also find that they get caught on the remnants of the old plastic thingies that broke off when someone yanked the rope too hard.

You will try various tools in an attempt to remove the pieces of the old plastic thingies. Nothing will fit. You will go hunting for your Swiss Army Knife, which you took out of your purse before you went on vacation, because you didn't think it would pass through security.

And finally, you will finish installing the new plastic thingies, put the drapery rod back up, hang the clean sheers, stick the pointy metal clips into the clean drapes, and put the drapes back on the rod.

And you will curse the day that you chose such terrible window treatments.

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